Simon Campbell
A personal perspective of life, the universe and everything…
Blog
Posted at 0940 hours on 15/06/09 | Posted in Life
One of life’s great characters: Ian ‘E’ Kershaw
This guy is a genuine nutcase. I met him at Salford University where we were both ‘studying’ BioChemistry. After one year we were experts in the brewing process and fearful effects of alcohol on the human body…
Once seen, never forgotten; the picture above is not unusual. If there was an Olympic sport for consuming alcohol he would have more medals than Redgrave…
One memorable incident occurred at the Bulls Head in Greenmount. We arrived ready for a few beers but before exiting the car, ‘E’ produced a condom from his top pocket and proceeded to slide it over his head and nose.
This is always funny but as he inflated, I was fearful that the lubricant may soil the headlining of my relatively new SAAB 900 Turbo (I recall being a great car) so I opened the sunroof.
As the pumped up prophylactic expanded, it became visible through the fully opened sunroof to the group of coffin dodgers who were watching our antics from the beer garden. Of course, we were barred – again.
Another incident occurred at his Aunties house in Ramsbottom where she foolishly agreed to host a party for a group of our collective mates. We woke up two days later, concluding the only possible explanation for the loss of these 48 hours was being sucked into a time vortex that resided under the carpet of the third stair up in 27 Stanley Street.
Further alcohol fuelled rumination, established it as the centre of the universe. Forget Stephen Hawking, this is it – fact.
Memories of being out in his home town of Sunderland, drinking superhuman quantities of ‘amber nectar’ (aka Newcastle Exhibition) then coming back and parting with quite a bit of it down the toilet door. Mrs Kershaw Snr. was not amused.
As an aside, do they still brew Exhibition? I know that its all been taken over now by the Europeans and probably tastes like wombat piss. Anyway, on with the commentary.
All this of course sounds like usual student fodder but no, ‘E’ is one of the most genuinely intelligent, articulate and alternative people I have ever met.
Who else would regularly discuss topics such as: the 238 uses of Aardvark excrement, clearing your nasal passages by regularly inhaling a little Oleum (please do not try this at home), wallowing in Alligator saliva and how to avoid contracting Legionnaires disease from public buildings.
I am becoming increasing concerned as he is coming over with his new woman to stay at the beginning of August.
Precautions to date:
- warn Bushy’s Brewery well in advance to prevent an Island wide shortage of bitter
- prepare Nobles Hospital renal unit for incoming
- place advert in the ‘Examiner’ to warn any Aardvark owners to ensure droppings are ‘beyond use’
He is truly one of life’s great characters.
Recent entries
View by category
View by date
RSS Feeds
View available feeds
RSS feeds allow you to see when websites have added new content. You can get the latest headlines and video in one place, as soon as its published, without having to visit the websites you have taken the feed from. More about RSS
6 comments
E on 19/06/09 at 1624 hours
Simonski,
Just read this at my hotel in Malta. Harsh but fair.
Home town is a you know Ramsbottom, I was residing in Mackem land as my parents moved there - it would be ‘not my first choice’!
Mrs K still not forgiven you for the flood of Exhibition fueled vomit over her landing!
Looking forward to coming over - get the oxygen ready!
Love to Ange & yourself I supose,
E
xx
Simon on 19/06/09 at 1636 hours
Oxygen is already to roll…
Ady Wilson on 01/02/11 at 2126 hours
Is this the same Ian Elliot Kershaw of Southmoor Tech college, once lived off Dykelands road in Makem ville,
who I bumped into in Swindon many years after losing touch with? Sounds and looks like him!
Simon on 02/02/11 at 0902 hours
The very one…
Ady Wilson on 05/02/11 at 0820 hours
Where’s he hiding these days? Would love to get back in touch - Looks like he can still sup a few then! Could you email me some contact details?
Cheers buddy.
Jon Dixon on 24/06/11 at 1232 hours
Ha ha ha Kershaw, Wilson on the same site .... just need crisp and fambely in the same place to make the world a safer place. Oh you could add some rather dull chap called josh something and Cuthbert whose mother had a needlework shop and he liked the Osmonds. Glad and not a little surprised that Kush is alive and well .... he is a star!