Simon Campbell

Posted at 1200 hours on 21/12/08 | Posted in Life

Merry Christmas

Christmas is a funny time, full of cheer and good will to all men. I however have a few interesting takes on the festive season which may amuse you and also some thoughts that may challenge you…

Before I go funny and irreverent, I am going to be serious for a bit – bear with me…

2008 has been a turbulent time for all of us with the deterioration in the UK’s financial position and the resultant misery of unemployment and repossessions. All this caused by the few whose greed inflict woe on the many. My good friend, the O-ring King, would say, ‘Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes’: Who watches the watchers; who guards the guardians. Surely, it should be us – right?

But taking it down to basics, is all this really important? Surely we should be thinking of all those who have lost loved ones in conflicts across the world.

Naturally, my senses are heightened right now as my eldest son is serving with the redoubtable 45 Commando in Afghanistan and I have seen the heart-wrenching grief of those who have recently lost loved ones. But there also families suffering in ways we cannot imagine in the comfortable west: the diabolical and oppressive regime in Zimbabwe, the shocking events in Somalia and the Sudan – to mention a few.

Regardless of your particular religious beliefs, Christmas can be a time for reflection. But surely this should form the basis for action?

In 2009, rather than the facile and shallow resolutions of loosing weight, giving up smoking / drinking, lets all just do something to make a difference. This could be getting involved in local / regional / national / international politics to oust our weak and fickle leaders (who are too busy with re-election than required radical action), to getting on a plane to helping to provide fresh water in Zimbabwe.

You are all thinking, ‘He’s pontificating, what is he doing about it?’ Well I am thinking about that right now…

Anyway from Angela, Jim, Joe, Bevis and myself to all our friends and colleagues, a very merry Christmas and a peaceful new year.

But now, let’s lighten the mood a little bit:

Little jobs

Women assume everything is easy. They look at a ‘small’ job in the house and decide, using their unique female logic, how long it will take. Of course everything must be done ‘before Christmas’.

For example: erecting shelves, three hours. On the face of it this sounds like a cinch. And of course it is, if you live in a soul sucking, modern box of a house, with flat wall an nice concrete or breeze block to drill into.

The ‘Mrs’ doesn’t take into account the fact that many of houses we have lived in have random stone walls which, when you try to drill and ‘Rawlplug’, you find the only thing that holds the plug and screw is the flaky horsehair plaster. So, you go to B&Q and buy ‘Rawlbolts’, which if you are VERY lucky, actually line up with the holes in the shelves and some underlying solid stone.

Inevitably though, three days later you are sat, in tears, amongst piles of dust and rubble, having just drilled the final hole at which point all the plaster falls off the wall at your feet. And this, two days before Christmas…

Christmas bloody lights

Lets add a another dimension to the piece above.

Its that time again. The tree arrives and your wife says those dreaded words: ‘Can you quickly put the lights on the tree.’

We all know chaps that Christmas lights were invented to enrage even the most sedate and calm man. Mahatma Gandhi himself would have taken them outside for a good thrashing.

There are 1,000,000 bulbs and none of them work due to ONE of them being blown. What imbecile devised this ridiculous system? I’ll tell you who, the manufactures, that’s who. They must sit there for days wondering how many points of failure they can include in the design without them catching fire immediately. I now own have bulb testers, electrical circuit testers, spare bulbs just to facilitate the illumination of these piles of crap.

But more than this, they are carefully designed to waste as much time as possible. Its clear to me that a few weeks before Christmas, all the able bodied blokes in the western world are sat around fixing bloody lights. I am sure if we didn’t perform this ridiculous task, the Gross Domestic Product of the UK would rise substantially in December and hospital admissions to the cardiac unit would fall.

Conspiracy theorists unite! All of the manufacturers are Chinese; it’s a fiendish communist plot to destroy western society whilst simultaneously capitalising on our woe and sorrow.

Its over, after seven hours of cursing and swearing and avoiding a heart attack, you sit down with your regulation snowball (Advocat and lemonade; a Christmas staple in the Campbell household) with the lights twinkling and your hound by your feet. She pops her head round the door and says: ‘Could you just whip those shelves up…’

19 comments

1. Mike Taylor on 21/12/08 at 1302 hours

   I have the answer problems to all your problems Simon: Morcambe and Wise Christmas Special, with Andre Preview.

   Have a great Christmas matey.  Hi to Angela.

2. Jez on 21/12/08 at 1319 hours

   Bugger me, 3.5 hours to sort 3 strings of lights this year!

   To all - throw them all away and go to your local Woolies and buy up a life times worth.

   Thinking of all on this most terrible of years for many. Keep it real.

   Love to all this Xmas

   xxxx

3. Simon Campbell on 21/12/08 at 1330 hours

   Mike: I agree the Morcambe and Wise Christmas Special’s are indeed a thing of annual joy!

   Jez: Good to hear from you. Love abounds.

   x

4. E on 21/12/08 at 1621 hours

   SImon,

   Even easier solution - no tree, no lights or decorations and the money I may have spent on helping providing clean water to Zimbabwe.  I am always cheered by the fact that Mugabee backwards is ‘Ee Ba Gum’ a phrase my Gran used to use.

   Regards to all in the Campbell household, not forgetting the Redoutable MrsC.

   E

5. Ang on 21/12/08 at 1722 hours

   Eh! I don’t like being referred to as the ‘Mrs”! And….... where are those bloody shelves!
   x

6. E on 21/12/08 at 1741 hours

   Ange,

   You misunderstand I meant THE Mrs C!!

   E

   PS: Can’t help with the shelves chuck.

7. Jason Cale on 22/12/08 at 1308 hours

   Good post Simon, myself being guilty of inward thoughts for the new year’s improvements..

   Christmas lights wired in parallel are a god send .. one goes out, the rest keep on trucking.

   Hope you have a good xmas and new year with the family.

   Hope to see you in the new year .. the last few months haven’t gone quite to plan!

   Jason.

8. Peter C on 23/12/08 at 1019 hours

   You just need to be one step ahead of the Chinks.  Fibre Optics + one lamp, its a dodle.

   Have a good one.

9. Simon TW on 23/12/08 at 1111 hours

   Seasons greeting to you both. I hope it’s a really good one.

   Now regarding the lights, we now have many different lighting systems available using a technology call “fibre optics”. In fact this email was sent to you using the very same “fibre optics”. Now imagine the mess email would be if we used a Christmas tree type postage service where one mail bounces so none are sent… on second thoughts ......

   Have a good new year and I hope that in 2009 all your dreams and wishes will come to fruition.

   My thought are with Jim and his comrades who won’t be sharing Christmas their families.

   Simon

10. John R on 23/12/08 at 1141 hours

    Simon

    Whole heatedly agree with your comments on the world of today.

    Also your warm comments to all those with loved ones in places we ourselves would find it hard to be in and to those who have lost protecting those who desire a more stable life and future for their families.

    I myself always take this time of year to ponder on man’s lack of appreciation for one another and feel sorry that all the world does not share the same sense of wonder of what it is to be truly human…

    Moving on Merry Christmas Simon to you and your family !

11. Al Gray on 23/12/08 at 1157 hours

    Many thanks for the “card”, glad to hear that you have got a bit more settled in IoM, which you must have if christmas tree lights are a priority.  Having said that, I suppose Angela would want christmas tree lights wherever she was.  Never known the girl to do celebrations by halves!

    We have had a couple of days rain here in Cyprus which reminds us it is winter.  Please let us know when something happens regarding the purchase of your boat.  Should rumour control have not penetrated the shores of the IoM, I have recently sold “Shearwater”.  I have already ordered her replacement and have actually entrusted a hefty deposit with a boatbuilder - probably not a particularly wise thing to do in the teeth of a recession.  I am told that building has already commenced and will be visiting what I hope will be a big mountain of shaped grp that looks like a 47 ft. catamaran in February.

    We are actually heading to the sunshine shores of La Source, Grenada for 3 weeks late Jan/early Feb.  Memories of first meeting the Campbell clan will no dounbt surface, particularly of dragging out of the water a half-drowned woman called Angela who asked “Does everybody have to go through this when they learn to dive?”

    With both of us having spent the greater part of our lives either in or with the military, we well understand your sentiments, particularly at this time of the year.  You will be in our thoughts I can assure you.

    Our very best wishes for Christmas and our hopes for your great happiness in 2009 and beyond.

    Love

    Al &  Susie

12. John Colquhoun on 23/12/08 at 1406 hours

    Hi Simon, Angelala and familly,
    Concur with your thoughts from here in the Sunny Falkland Islands. Gonna miss my coffee stop at my next meeting in UK in January. Still on track to return to UK around April unless decent post in Cyprus becomes available. Hope the misses is enjoying the knitting circle in IOM!! Best wishes to all in the Campbell extended fold for Christmas and the New Year.
    Take care John C

13. Jan Moore on 23/12/08 at 1438 hours

    festive wishes to you both; also special thoughts for james and all his fellow servicemen and women.

    hope we get to meet up in 2009 - as Angela said recently we should really work on an Al’s Pals reunion VERY soon! take care and have a good one

14. Bald Eagle on 23/12/08 at 1530 hours

    Good to hear you’re settling in to your new home…...thanks for the card - Gwen said it had you new address on it, and when I looked it said:
    ‘The Isle of Man Home of Rest for Old Horses’..... I thought this was very apt until I realised it was the charity where the card came from.

    Have a good one and all the best to the Angela and the lads

    Steve & Gwen

15. Simonski on 23/12/08 at 2028 hours

    A veritable deluge of comments; thanks for taking the time and trouble, it’s lovely to hear from you all… Bald Eagle, less of the old horse stuff :-)

16. The Elder one on 23/12/08 at 2207 hours

    Great to hear that you are still sain. Difficult for you all of course but I do look forward to your trip into politics. I can’t imagine a better leader and first lady….......especially the first lady as she has always been the power house I imagine! I am ready to vote for you as I always have and so is my First Lady. We do hope that you are looking after our elder members of the Giggleswick WI. Please give her our kindest regards as well. She did bring you into the world Simon after all so I have to thank someone.

17. Dianne McLeish on 25/12/08 at 1506 hours

    The room is decorated, the carpet is laid and you were the last resort when I called you for handy man advice but the curtain battons are still holding up all I need to do is add the curtain rails oh and the curtains and hope that they stay up especially as I am one of the people who have an old house and I took adice from you.  There are times that even I have to admit there is a reason to have a man about the house for doing all those little jobs that need to be done.  Can’t wait to vist you in the Isle of Man fore New Year and see your house by the sea.  Thoughts are with all who are away from home especially over the Christmas and New Year ,next year iI could be me in Basra.  Love and kisses to all.  Dianne x x x x x x x x

18. Pete Sidey on 25/12/08 at 1948 hours

    I wholeheardly agree with all your comments..but may God preserve us from another Campbell in politics..remember Alistair??.. Sorry for the late reply, had a bit of a crisis here. Mother in law fell downstairs on Monday (stop giggling now) and banged herself up pretty bad…busted ribs and bruised all over. Have been spending Xmas between home and Blackpool Victoria up to now. Pretty depressing on a ward full of disorientated old dears off their faces on morphine.. As for the tree lights, parrallel not series everytime… having said that took me 2 days to sort ours out!!  Hope Jim and all our serving boys and girls have a safe xmas.. Lee, a lifelong pal of Luc (our No1 son) dropped by recently after returning from Helmand with 2 Para. They took a real kicking on their last tour. Outwardly he seems the same Lee we’ve known since they went to primary school together, but Luc says he refuses to talk about things he’s seen and done. The only thing that I found strange is that he could’nt wait to get back!! They feel they’re letting the side down when they’re on leave..now thats brotherhood!! Don’t worry, he’ll be fine and back with you in no time..So have a very merry Christmas and a very fruitful New Year   love Pete, Martine, Luc and Louis xxxx

19. Michael Whitley on 28/12/08 at 2347 hours

    Simon hope you have a good one, this coming year. All in Enniskillen

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